[clear - refresh] ---NOT QUITE A MOP, NOT QUITE A PUPPET--- [created by may, modified by johnny b]
ABOUT ME:
Home to a half Mexican who now lives in Silverdale, WA and who supports the Hawks, Sonics and Mariners along with the alma mater (WSU). I also post wacky links, pictures of insanely hot women and what have you (if you don't want to read my ramblings), so enjoy.


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My Place Of Biz
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Mr. T! He Don't Pity No Fool, Dig?
Mr. Spaulding
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Pop Life
HEART PUNCH'D!
Flux Blog
Oh NO THEY DIN'T!
Support Your Weed Carrier
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Sports And Bremertonians
Kissing Suzy Kolber
Superficial
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Oh, Word?
Young, Black and Fabulous
SuperSonic Soul!
Sports Filter
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FIRE JOE MORGAN!
Football Outsiders
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The Breaks


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Tuesday, July 01, 2003
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

So Butch is going to LV to be the best man at his friend's wedding. Instead of making any delightfully tacky jokes, I will pass on the following from Ricky at College Humor.com


"Friends, I feel that part of my obligation as a founder of this site is to pass on to readers the tips and tricks of life from which I feel they could benefit. Especially when it comes to heavy petting. No pun intended, obviously. So here goes. Do what you will with it...

Last week I attended a good friend's wedding. This being the first wedding I have ever attended, I called my friend Chris to get some advice on what to give, what to wear, etc. But there was a more useful piece of information that Chris gave me during that call, and what he told me was this... "If you can't get laid at a wedding, you can't get laid." I really didn't understand why that would be, but he told me to just wait and see for myself. And, loyal readers, I am here to tell you why that is true-- why weddings are the easiest place to score in the world, save for brothels and chubby sororities.

1) Love is in the air. Everybody is happy at a wedding. There's good food, pretty decorations, and everybody is dressed to the nines. You're looking hot and so is your potential hookup. Everybody knows the bride or groom in some way, which makes for great conversation pieces. For example, "Wow, Heather just looks radiant in that wedding dress, doesn't she? I can only hope my wife will look so dashing... wherever she is out there." You might as well take the condoms out of your overnight bag at this point.

2) Everyone is drinking. But not like normal kind of "out to a bar" drunk. Wedding drunk. Wedding drunk is a level of intoxication that goes far beyond the normal human standards for drunkenness. Even the old people are sloshed, which starts a dangerous downward spiral of parental consent to the younger crowd at the reception, and in turn, furthers your chances of getting your D wet.

3) Everyone is going back to a hotel. Dudes, think about it. You spend just about all of your bar-going nights trying to get someone to come back to where your bed is. The "girl-to-domicile" conversion is the toughest play in the book to pull off smoothly. But at a wedding, any prospective hookup is ALREADY GOING BACK TO SLEEP AT THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE. Seriously, could things get any better for your chances? Maybe if you had a magical wiener that shot out loads of $100 bills. Maybe.

4) Biological clocks are being wound and ticking. Nothing makes a girl worry more about the emptiness of her own future than seeing someone else's life come together right before her very eyes. And nothing could help your game more. Well, except for that aforementioned hotel thing. But anyway, use this to your advantage. When a girl's maternal instinct is saying "somebody put a baby in me as soon as possible," what gives you the right to deny what evolution has intended? Now respect Mother Nature and get bonin'.

5) The bride and groom are having sex that night and everybody knows it. What does this mean for you? Well, in the back of your potential hookup's mind is the knowledge that her friend is off "doin' it to it." Ever meet a girl at a party, but can't close the deal because she feels bad because her friend isn't getting any? This is the total opposite, amigos. The potential one-night stand knows that her friend is off consummating the marriage and having the craziest night of sex she'll ever have. Or in the case of the bride and groom both being virgins, the most awkward, bloody, fumbling, uncomfortable sexual experience of their young lives.

6) No awkward future. Last but certainly not least, this one here might be the most important part. So many male/female rendezvous never come to fruition because of the sheer notion of the ensuing weirdness that will come post-coitus. This doesn't usually factor in at a wedding, unless you're hooking up with someone you'll see at a future family reunion, which I hope isn't the case. Furthermore, most of the time you don't even live in the same state as the person you just spooned naked with for the eight hours before the last moment you ever see them again.

What else needs to happen to this playing field to make it more even for you? Nothing... exactly. A wedding is a bases-loaded situation with a Junior High Girls' Softball pitcher throwing you a slow one right down the center. Now go find a bridesmaid and round those bases, kiddo."

And to give him some ideas, he (and you if you want) can go here.

Enjoy.

etch-a-sketched by john at 2:35 AM