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---NOT QUITE A MOP, NOT QUITE A PUPPET---
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ABOUT ME:
Home to a half Mexican who now lives in Silverdale, WA and who supports the Hawks, Sonics and Mariners along with the alma mater (WSU). I also post wacky links, pictures of insanely hot women and what have you (if you don't want to read my ramblings), so enjoy. FAVORITE LINKS My Place Of Biz Miss Eva MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ROSSER! Mr. T! He Don't Pity No Fool, Dig? Mr. Spaulding Mr. Gonzo Mr. Rampsberger Pop Life HEART PUNCH'D! Flux Blog Oh NO THEY DIN'T! Support Your Weed Carrier U.S.S. Mariner Sports And Bremertonians Kissing Suzy Kolber Superficial Cake And Ice Cream Oh, Word? Young, Black and Fabulous SuperSonic Soul! Sports Filter Nah Right FIRE JOE MORGAN! Football Outsiders College Football News All Music The Breaks
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003I think I got the wake up call that I wanted.When I came home from the mall today, I asked my mom how the doctor's appointment went. She said that sometime in the past three months, six months, whenever, my dad had a heart attack in his sleep. It was bad enough to damage 25 percent of his heart. He's got one major and three minor arteries blocked, and bypass surgery isn't enough. So they put him on a medicine to try and strengthen his heart and he has to go back in a week for another EKG. The doctor also wants him to go on a blood thinner to help clear the clots. If that doesn't work, then they put in a pacemaker and a defibulator. If that happens, then my mom thinks the shipyard will make him retire. He turns 50, and he hasn't handled it well (he stopped my mom from throwing a party for him.) My mom also thinks he hasn't handled being a diabetic either, and the death of his dad in 2000 still hurts him. Unfortunately, my dad is trying to downplay this whole incident by playing the "I'm tough I don't need no damn doctor" role. He's been trying to stop my mom from going to the doctor with him and got mad at her when she told the doctor that he smoked (he didn't even know.) The doctor told him straight up, "You have to quit smoking, you have to eat healthy, you have to get your diabetes under control. The shipyard wanted him to go to Guam for 2004 but if my dad doesn't get better that won't happen. He's already told my mom that he doesn't want her to hype on him to quit, that he'll handle it on his own. But if I know my dad, it won't happen either. I was talking to my co-worker Amanda about my dad, and how I was in a rut. How I wanted to do something but I didn't know what. She suggested moving to another state, or maybe somewhere on the East Coast altogether. My friend Jolene has suggested to me in the past that she would be willing to share an apartment, and my friend Keith has told me that when he gets his case beat I am more than welcome to move into his apartment with his roommate back in Pittsburgh if I wanted. I think I may take someone up on their offer. Right now, I haven't any motivation to really do anything. I've joked about how living in Montana sucked, but it was also emotionally devestating. I was in a totally different state where I knew no one. Everyone I worked with lived in different towns, so I really couldn't connect with anyone because it took to long to drive to Helena, or Bozeman, or Missoula. My financial situation was in the gutter, the weather was terrible and all I could do was lay on my air mattress and watch TV, or surf the net. Not much else to do in Butte. It's taken me a long time to try and get over that, along with all the crap I went through in college trying to get my degree (but that's a post for another time.) It's taken me a long time to get motivated about anything, and I've been stuck in this trap of "Well, I'll fill that resume out later," or "I'll write that cover letter tomorrow," or "I'll stop drinking soda right after this cup," or "I'll go for a walk later on." But it hasn't happened. And I've been waiting for something to snap me out of this funk. Nothing's worked. Until now. "This is your future John," my mom told me. "I don't want to go through this with you. You're too young. You've got to get your weight under control." And she's right. And I think this is what it will take to wake me up. Hopefully my dad will wake up as well, but I don't know. I don't know if he wants to deal with what he's going through. I don't know if he wants to do anything. I don't want to lose my dad. Not now. I'm not ready. But if this keeps up, I may have to bury him. And then what? What will I do then? Stay at home? Say, "Oh well," and do the same shit every day, day in and day out? Fuck that. I haven't come this far to get thrown off the trail. I'm tired of sitting in this goddamn room, staring at these same four walls, working some go-nowhere job without any motivation to do ANYTHING. I ran into one of my old high school friends at Shari's last week. When I asked her what she had done in the time since she graduated high school, she simply replied "Working a dead-end job. Married. Got a six year old daughter." That was it. That simple sentence not only scared the shit out of me, it got me to thinking: What have I done with myself? Nothing. Sure I've got a degree, but it's not even worth the frame it's in, for all the use I'm getting out of it right now. I had such big plans, but all it's amounted to is some job where I get to park cars. Some of my co-workers (and a couple of security guards) have asked me as well: What are you gonna do? You have a degree, right? Why are you working here? And I've been pondering this in my mind: Why haven't I gotten anywhere? Why haven't I done enough to get a career going? Get a girlfriend? Get somewhere in this world? Well, I haven't had any motivation. Until now. This thing with my dad scares the shit out of me. I don't know what to say to him, I don't know how to handle this. I wish I could be something to him instead of a goddamn failure, but I can't even bring myself to do that. Until now. I've gotta change. I've gotta start being somebody. I'm already losing what little gifts I have to time. If I don't, then I'll never be anybody. I'll just be another small-town loser. Someone who had a shot, but blew it and spent the rest of his days being a nobody. A nothing. Just another waste of life forced to wander these streets until I die and become another tombstone in the cemetary. If you've made it this far, thanks. This isn't a normal post for me, but right now, everything in my life is...up in the air. I don't know what else to do except let all my feelings out right here. I'll try to keep the fun in this, but if you get some big sob story, skip it and come back in a few days. I'll try to post some naked shots of someone's mom. :) Stay safe, y'all. Whatta you mean what was my childhood like? What difference does that make? Yo, my childhood was messed up, so what? Everybody's childhood was messed up. This is the 90's, find me one person who had it right. What's that got to do with me rhyming? What's left? Now when my mother died I had to take it in stride There ain't no room for pride in watching your father cry And dad made it until maybe a year later When they found his suicide inside of a grain elevator Got over it, I had no other office or options Thought about whether or not mom and pop was watching Never bothered with caution, no time for fear Saw my folks carry fear for most my early years And I learned from it, turned numb and ignored the storm A burning sun waiting for the world to plummet Finished growing up under my uncle's roof He taught me how to count all the way up to 100 proof From watching him I learned how to gather nourishment Living off the different women that he had to nurture him And on the surface I became a normal pre-teen More afraid of nuclear war than snake bites and bee stings My best friend was my TV Game shows and cartoons substituted for puppies, rainbows, and balloons Now here I am, the shy type, and I think I'm doing alright Considering what it was like living my life It's nothing but sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, Now it's been 17 summers since I've seen my mother But every night I see her smile inside my dreams When I was younger I didn't actually see the accident happen But every night I see her smile as it shatters against the screams I can only imagine Dad's internal reaction Strain, inferno burning, bound in his brain What's it take to make a man who owns acres of land Abandon the family plan and drown himself in his grains I'm glad I left that farm in Northern Minnesota Where the time moves slower and the winters are colder Became a city boy, where everybody acts like they older Where they stick to themselves and keep a chip on they shoulder 26 years of age, no longer full of rage I think it's safe to say I've turned a page on my childhood days "Ay yo look Ma, I'm a productive member of society When I'm drunk I make noise, but otherwise I like quietly," And on the weekend I go back up north to reminisce Remember what it was like pretending to be a kid Late at night I walked the fields and lurk in the shadows Getting even with life by murdering cattle Nothin' but sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's nothing but sunshine, It's all sunshine, It's all sunshine, (And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright,) It's nothing but sunshine, (You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight) It's all sunshine, It's all sunshine, (And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright,) It's nothing but sunshine, (You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight) It's all sunshine, It's all sunshine, (And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright,) It's nothing but sunshine, (You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight,) It's all sunshine, It's all sunshine, (And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright,) It's nothing but sunshine, (You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight) It's all sunshine! Nothin' but sunshine! Nothin' but sunshine! Nothin' but sunshine! Nothin' but sunshine! Nothin' but sunshine! And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright, You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright, You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight And I'm gonna be alright, and you gonna be alright, You ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight. -Atmosphere, "Nothin' But Sunshine"
etch-a-sketched by john at 1:30 AM
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